Live Well, Lead Strong: When Someone On Your Team Is Struggling

During the fall of each school year, our strong MEMSPA leaders pay lots of attention  to the priority of building strong teacher teams.  This month, let’s think about a challenge for our leadership that may occur:  How do skillful leaders respond when someone on your team is struggling?

Many of us have experienced very difficult, challenging times in our own lives, or the lives of our colleagues:  Maybe it’s a serious diagnosis, or the death of a family member or dear friend, a divorce, or a financially devastating incident…You’ve seen or experienced first hand yourself how traumatic these kinds of events can be. 

Your leadership response in these times will leave an imprint: It’s an opportunity to live your values, and to model the way for your people.  If leaders want to walk through those times with authenticity and  compassion for an individual while continuing to form a strong team, what kinds of things might we want to think about?

These times are among the most delicate and challenging for leaders, because certainly a tension exists:  While we have a sincere deep desire to be understanding, flexible, kind and supportive to the person in struggle, we’re also charged with advocating that their students will be served well.  The students in their charge have only one year to be in third grade (or in 7th grade social studies…) and equity demands that the leader of their school ensures quality instruction for every student no matter who is teaching them.  So how do we manage the tension?  I’ll tell you a secret:  It has to do with your team.

First and foremost, take your lead from the person who’s in struggle.  Begin with a conversation asking what they would like for you to know, and assure them that at all times, you’ll honor their confidentiality and their wishes—Be the “vault,” as Brene’ Brown urges us.

That said, there is a continuum of response from people in trauma: Some are very comfortable sharing their process, and feel a need for connection.  Others feel a need to protect themselves and remain quite private.  There’s no “right way” to walk through this, so using our best judgment, following privacy policies, and following their wishes will be essential. 

Second, stay close.  Very simply, be attentive, be close, step into the classroom, check in after school, and ask “How are you doing today?  Anything I can help you with?”  Don’t take any intense response or a lack of response personally; the team member may simply not be in a space where they can manage connection at that moment.  The point is simply to be a constant caring presence they can count on.

Third, be honest about the needs of students and discern how the team can help.  Assume positive intent on the part of the teacher with statements like, “I know you’ll want to continue to have your students served well as we walk through this time together…Let’s talk about what that may look like. How would you like to manage confidentiality but also let your team know you may need support at times?”  

From there, frame a conversation around how their teacher team may be confidentially informed and what the struggling team member will be comfortable disclosing.  Some things to remember:

• People in struggle sometimes need to be gently reminded that not reaching out and sharing some of their information actually deprives their colleagues of the opportunity to support them. They may need to hear “They value you as one of our group, and they will want to stand with you during this time.”
• This is a time to be very clear with other team members; keeping confidentiality in the team about their colleague will be key.  This is absolutely not their story to tell with anyone outside the team—including even their own family members.
• I almost always let people know, “Life lasts a very, very long time…Right now is your season to be a gracious receiver of support and help. There will definitely come a time in your future when you’ll be the source of support and it will be your turn to be a source of strength for someone else.”  I’ve sometimes used S. C. Lourie’s words, ‘Remember to breathe…This is just a chapter; it’s not your whole story.’

If your team member will allow it after this conversation, what can you suggest colleagues do?   They might more intentionally share their planning strategies, ideas that are working, or helpful time savers.  They can offer to take a recess duty occasionally, or simply bring in a coffee or tea in the morning.  Small notes, special ways to show they care will be such a source of healing!   

And by the way?  What if one of our team members were not in trauma, but what if we all acted in the way I just listed as part of our daily routines?  What if kindness, caring, thoughtful gestures, and listening were part of our team culture even when someone was not encountering tragedy?  Oh my friends….we’d be building that beloved community that we all seek, and that community holds a better future for our students and for every person involved in our school community.  May it be so.

May your courage shine, 

Debbie McFalone, Ph.D.